New Fruit From New Trials

The space resembled a super-modern departure lounge at a sleek airport—the ceiling lights curving in a way that invited one to the adventures beyond. 

And if I closed my eyes I could imagine I was off to Paris.

But I was embarking on a different departure, and quite frankly, I didn’t want to go.

I felt tired from the disruptions which had led up to this moment of waiting in this space. 

The last six months had felt chaotic. I had been displaced by water damage in my home, wrapped my car around a fire hydrant and without warning, lost spousal support income. Then came the alarm from my implanted pacemaker—the one that had awakened me that Saturday morning—the chime that seemed so innocuous—almost comical at the time.

When it first happened, I looked around for my phone, thinking it was an Amber Alert. Then I realized that I was the one that was beeping. It was coming from me.

All the while, through all the disruptions of those months, I dragged along my trusty MacBook, responding to my publisher’s notes, editing, and rereading what I had written about loss. 

About good coming from hard.

And substance and character rising up from tough times. 

I hated rereading it some days.

I’d sit there looking at the XRay that my doctor was pointing to and wonder, “Do I still believe this?” 

Talk about imposter syndrome…

But when I processed it with some trusted people in my life, I realized that when I had experienced an avalanche of loss before—with my divorce, and my dear Sarah’s cancer and my financial losses, I felt despair and hopelessness and depression.

This wasn’t that. 

It was sadness, but not without hope, and disappointment, but not despair. And my faith felt firm.

Sitting at my zinc-topped table, with jet-sized fans blazing, I realized,  “Yes. I still believe this.” 

The waiting area in the photo is a university hospital, esteemed for its cardiac innovations. The surgeons, who look far too young to own such experience, say they’re going to figure it out and fix me up.  

Then I’m going to plant some seedlings in the warming earth and wait to see what the sun will coax from the soil. Like me. Sure to see new fruit from new trials.